Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!ģ. In “For Office Use Only” area write “Approved. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question.Ĩ. He makes you wear a hospital gown Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants – © David LettermanĨ.”Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.”ħ.”In my office, ‘I.R.S.’ stands for ‘I’m really sexy.’ ”Ħ.”If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?”ĥ.”You’re entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income…now let’s do it.”Ĥ.”Let’s fill out a 1040 - you’re a 10, and I’m 40.”ģ.”You’re the kind of girl I could take home to mother – which is good, since I still live with her.”Ģ.”Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.”ġ.”Nice assets.” Top 10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun – © David Lettermanĩ. At least five times, he says “here’s a little trick I taught Darryl Strawberry.”ġ. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as “sucker”Ģ. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.’s defense fundģ. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange CountyĤ. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as “charitable donation”ĥ. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependentĦ. His “short form” looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkinħ. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPSĨ. You hear him on the phone saying, “Have I ever let you down, Leona?”ĩ. Top 10 Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Accountant – © David Lettermanġ0. He’s got a 1040 form tattooed on his ………. Instead of a CPA license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.ġ. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.ģ. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.Ĥ. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry – that’s a sign he is hypnotized).ĥ. Insists that there is no such number as four.Ħ. You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.ħ. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.Ĩ. In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, “Give or take a million dollars.”ĩ. Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts – © David Lettermanġ0. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.Ģ. If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!ĭefinition of an Auditor – One who arrives after the battle is lost and bayonets the wounded.ĭefinition of an Attorney – One who arrives after the auditor and strips the bodies.ĭefinition of an Actuary – An accountant without a sense of humor.ĭefinition of an Economist – Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.ġ. There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can’t.ĭefinition of an Accountant – Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring. He couldn’t budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.ĭid you hear about the shy and retiring accountant? So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.ĭid you hear about the constipated accountant? So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household. The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form? My deductions have at last caught up with the salary. What did the accountant say when he got a blank check? If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep what does she say? What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road?Īuditors never actually do the risk assessment well until after the accident happens. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.īecause he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year. One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own. What does an accountant use for birth control? When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. When does a person decide to become an accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. What is the definition of a good tax accountant? How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand. Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/ConsultingĮver wonder why they call it a Form 1040?įor every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40. Top 10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun Top 10 Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Accountant
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